the twitter criterion

dedicated to preserving & redistributing important classic and contemporary tweets.
created by @robwhisman

A sombrero lands on your head out of nowhere & without warning. You’re stunned but mainly by how great it looks on you. I reload my hatapult
— Troutman (@robotrowboat) October 7, 2013
(submitted by @robotrowboat)

i hate that one occasional cadbury cream egg you get that has a bloody malformed cadbury bunny fetus inside
— john freiler (@johnfreiler) February 23, 2013
(submitted by @stevecoy)

Haha sounds like a great night. I love the part about smoking Weed Bongs. (casually turn head revealing police badge tattoo on side of face)
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) April 4, 2012

"Aaand the blonde lady’s comforting herself with her fingers, bein’ her own husband for a spell."—Old prospector narrates porn for the blind
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) November 21, 2012
(submitted by @stevecoy)

that’s gay as hell dude… [later, in hospital burn ward]: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNEW THERE WAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL BEING NAMED “HELL DUDE”
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) April 11, 2011
(submitted by @a_girl_irl)

those assholes at the skatepark laugh at me now, but when i get home and turn on Family Guy, ill be the one laughing
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) October 5, 2011

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve had an irrational fear, I’d be *looks nervously at the sky* PELTED TO DEATH BY SKY NICKELS?!
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) July 16, 2013

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him :(
— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013

Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013
(submitted by @stevecoy)

hey guys
— daffy duck (@donoldduck) September 4, 2009